Hadi Wijaya
The decision to live a childfree life, once a taboo subject in many traditional societies, has moved into the forefront of public discourse in Indonesia, driven by a complex interplay of psychological, economic, and social factors. Family psychologist Nuzulia Rahma Tristinarum, popularly known as Lia, recently highlighted that the choice to remain childless is rarely a spontaneous whim but is instead rooted in deep-seated experiences and conscious value systems. According to Tristinarum, these motivations can range from recognized personal preferences to subconscious defense mechanisms developed over a lifetime. Speaking in Jakarta, the counselor and author emphasized that understanding the "why" behind the childfree movement requires a nuanced look at individual histories, including past traumas, economic pressures, and the evolving landscape of modern relationships.
The Role of Developmental Trauma and Perception
One of the most profound drivers of the childfree decision is the presence of unresolved childhood trauma. Tristinarum notes that early experiences often shape an individual’s perception of what it means to be a parent or a child. In many cases, those who choose not to have children have witnessed or experienced neglect, which fundamentally alters their view of family dynamics. Tristinarum shared a case study of an individual who was habitually neglected by their parents during childhood, left under the care of an abusive nanny who used physical and verbal aggression as a primary means of control.
This environment of fear and abandonment often leads to a defensive cognitive shift. "With such experiences, a child may grow up with the perception that children are burdens to be neglected or mistreated," Tristinarum explained. For these individuals, the decision to remain childfree is often framed as an act of responsibility—a way to ensure that the cycle of suffering does not continue. From their perspective, it is more ethical to abstain from parenthood than to risk bringing a child into the world and failing to provide the emotional and physical security they themselves were denied. This "wound of the heart" can manifest as deep-seated anger or a profound fear of inadequacy, making the childfree path a form of psychological self-preservation.
Economic Pressures and the Sandwich Generation
Beyond the psychological realm, the material reality of modern life plays a significant role. Tristinarum pointed out that economic unpreparedness is a major catalyst for both men and women. In Indonesia, this is often compounded by the "sandwich generation" phenomenon, where working adults are simultaneously responsible for the financial support of their aging parents and their younger siblings. For many in this position, the thought of adding the financial burden of a child is overwhelming.
The cost of living, particularly in urban centers like Jakarta, continues to rise, with education and healthcare expenses often outpacing wage growth. Statistical trends in Indonesia show a gradual decline in the total fertility rate (TFR) over the last few decades, falling from 5.6 in the 1970s to around 2.1 in recent years. This demographic shift reflects a broader trend where young couples prioritize financial stability and debt reduction over immediate procreation. Tristinarum noted that men, in particular, often cite the heavy weight of being the primary provider as a reason for choosing a childfree lifestyle, fearing they cannot meet the high economic standards required to raise a child in the current climate.
The Evolution of Personal Values and Environmental Influence
The childfree choice is also a reflection of shifting societal values. As access to global information increases through digital platforms, many Indonesians are being exposed to alternative lifestyle models that de-prioritize traditional family structures. The influence of one’s immediate social environment—friends, colleagues, and online communities—cannot be understated. When individuals see others successfully navigating life without children, the pressure to conform to traditional norms begins to wane.
Tristinarum observed that some individuals choose to marry for companionship and intimacy but explicitly opt-out of procreation. This is often a conscious effort to avoid the pitfalls of "unprotected" or "casual" sexual encounters while still acknowledging that they are not ready or willing to take on the lifelong commitment of parenting. For these couples, marriage is viewed as a partnership of equals focused on mutual growth rather than a biological mandate to continue a lineage.
Debunking the Aesthetic and Physical Myths
A controversial aspect of the childfree debate involves the desire to maintain physical appearance or "stay young." Some proponents of the movement have suggested that avoiding the physical toll of pregnancy and the stress of child-rearing is a "secret" to longevity and beauty. However, Tristinarum offered a more grounded scientific perspective on this claim. While the stress of parenting can certainly impact health, she clarified that physical aging is a multifaceted process.
"It is not accurate to say that being childfree is the primary cause of staying young," she stated. Factors such as genetics, hormonal balance, diet, and overall lifestyle play a much larger role in how a person ages. While childfree individuals may have more time and resources to invest in self-care, skincare, and fitness, Tristinarum emphasized that these benefits are secondary and not a guaranteed outcome of the decision. The narrative that childlessness is a "beauty hack" is often viewed by experts as an oversimplification of complex biological processes.
Trend-Following and the Digital Echo Chamber
The rise of social media has turned the childfree lifestyle into a trending topic, often sparking heated debates across platforms like Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok. Tristinarum acknowledged that some individuals might be influenced by the "trend" of being childfree, especially when it is framed as a symbol of modern independence or intellectualism. However, she noted that those who follow the trend usually have underlying values or experiences that align with the movement.
The digital era has allowed for the formation of "childfree communities" where individuals find validation for their choices. While this provides a support network for those who feel marginalized by traditional society, it can also create an echo chamber that reinforces the decision without necessarily addressing the underlying psychological reasons, such as the aforementioned traumas.
Institutional and Societal Reactions
The growing visibility of the childfree movement has drawn reactions from various sectors of Indonesian society. Religious organizations, such as the Indonesian Ulema Council (MUI), have generally emphasized that procreation is a fundamental goal of marriage in Islam, though they also acknowledge the importance of quality over quantity in parenting. Meanwhile, government bodies like the National Population and Family Planning Board (BKKBN) have focused their messaging on "planned parenthood." While the BKKBN encourages couples to have children to maintain a balanced demographic, their primary focus remains on preventing stunting and ensuring that every child born is wanted and well-provided for.
Sociologists argue that the childfree phenomenon is a sign of a maturing society where individual agency is beginning to take precedence over collective expectations. However, they also warn of potential long-term implications, such as an aging population and a shrinking workforce, similar to the crises currently faced by nations like Japan and South Korea.
Broader Implications and Analysis
The childfree movement in Indonesia is more than just a lifestyle choice; it is a symptom of broader systemic issues. When a significant portion of the population expresses fear regarding the economic and emotional costs of parenting, it suggests a need for better social safety nets, mental health support, and economic stability.
From a psychological standpoint, Tristinarum’s insights suggest that the childfree decision is often a deeply rational response to an irrational or unstable environment. Whether it is a response to past trauma or a calculation of future financial risks, the decision represents an attempt to exercise control over one’s life trajectory.
As the discourse continues, it is clear that the "one-size-fits-all" approach to family in Indonesia is being challenged. The focus is shifting toward the quality of life for both parents and potential children. As Tristinarum concluded, the decision to be childfree is often rooted in a desire to be responsible—whether that means being responsible for one’s own mental health or being responsible enough to recognize that one is not suited for the demands of parenthood. Moving forward, the challenge for Indonesian society will be to foster a culture that supports all family choices while addressing the underlying traumas and economic hardships that make the prospect of parenting feel impossible for so many.
